Becoming a Container of Love
There are a lot of flavors of codependency... and I can share as a retired codependent, that my flavor was one that in order to prove I was lovable, I gave and gave and gave to a place of personal emptiness. I was a proud expert love giver, living a secret life of total depletion. I measured my worth by how giving I was and how giving I was perceived to be. I was raised that way. Giving girls, are good girls. Wantless and needless was rewarded.
And of course... there is undeniable truth and accountability in the fact that I chose people and experiences that depleted me. When I did, I got to play the martyr... an ineffective attempt at self-pity which was just an ineffective attempt at screaming out, "Hey... I'm here. I want to be loved."
At the time, I had no chance of an equitable relationship. Because when it came to receiving love... I sucked. A part of me craved loved, but a louder part of me told me I wasn't worthy.
I relentlessly listened to her, fed her and in turn, she continued to scream false narratives that kept me further and further from equally loving relationships. You see the irony was that I thought being a giver of love, made me a magnet of love. But that's only partially true.
We are responsible for teaching others how to treat us. And I was teaching others that I didn't need love... because I didn't ask for it, let alone require it. In fact, I rejected it flat out. For example, when paid a compliment, I would dismiss or diminish it. It would literally make me squirm to be told that I was special in some way.
We reject love for many reasons.
For me, I noticed that when I would give, I felt in charge... I felt protected; when I received I felt less... I felt small and at someone's mercy, as if I owed something in return to re-balance the scales. For me, it was fear of intimacy. Fear of vulnerability. Fear of real, honest connection. Fear of being seen and then in turn, possibly not loved. I tricked my head and my heart into believing giving love was safer than receiving love; the control was always a disappointing illusion filled with lack.
But here's the thing... it isn't about being a giver or receiver of love... it is about becoming a container of love... a container with no bottom or top... a tunnel per se... where love continuously flows.
So how do you become a container? How do you inhale and exhale love equally? How do you give yourself permission to give and to receive and to just be a presence of love?
Well you start by living in and for love, without expectation. You recognize kind gestures like offering help and giving compliments as love... and you say "yes" and you say, "thank you". You take wicked good care of yourself so that you are seen as a vessel of self-love. You remind yourself that you are worthy of love... that you are enough. You ask for love unapologetically and you give it freely. And you surrender to receiving as much as you give... you stop measuring love, and just enjoy the free flow that it is designed to be. No longer codependent, I live a life that flows in love, which means that I'm blessed with the freedom to give and to receive without fear of emotional consequence. As such, I am able to give more to myself, and to others. Like an infinity symbol, love is designed to be reciprocal, ever and effortlessly flowing.... and it belongs to and for everyone.
Flowing in love~