Finding the Sparkle in the Struggle

I’ve never been one of those people to hate a day, or a week, or a month, a year or a decade.

I flow.
I trust.
I embrace.
I lean in.
With a smile, faith and optimism.

That’s who I am.

Well that’s who I was… until April happened.

In April, I met an unfamiliar me. I met a woman who slowly abandoned trust in the process, faith in the unfolding… and became a full on, “WTF, when’s it going to end?” victim, lost in feelings of overwhelm and discouragement.

In April, I stood, and sometimes in truth crumbled, amidst a pervasive storm of external chaos. Parts of my life that mean everything to me and parts that I didn’t even know really mattered got wildly and painfully shook up… and through it, so did I. I got shook up to a place that I didn’t recognize who I was and felt so disconnected from my core. Everything about me shifted… my spirit, my swagger, my tone, my energy, my everything. I went to sleep feeling afraid and defeated and woke up feeling afraid and hopeless.
And I hated every second of it.

Why? Why was I so thrown? Why was I so out of whack? After all, I was built for survival and had a historical resume to prove it. Was it that there were too many storms concentrated in a short time span? Was it that I was out of practice since lately I’d been on Easy Street? Or was this, God forbid, the new me?

Somehow I had shifted from my wholehearted, core truth that it ALL, including the storms happen FOR, not TO me. I had lost my innate sense of curiosity… that part of me that wonders, inquires and introspects about the silver lining. And instead, I just reacted over and over, missing the lessons, the messages and just hung onto the seat of survival.

So the Universe had to get LOUD! The Universe had to relentlessly pound on my door to shake me and wake me.

The morning of April 30th, I fainted. Right there on my kitchen floor, I had literally hit bottom. And as I dizzily got up, I began to think, “Ok Universe, I’m here. I’m paying attention. What have I been missing all month?” And then my 5 year-old demanded breakfast and once again, introspection took a backseat.

When I arrived at the Lab later that morning, I was sweeping up some residual fun from an epic vision boarding experience the night before. In my final sweep up, this is what arrived in the dustpan.

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I fell to the floor (this time albeit intentionally and gently) and just cried. I released all of the pain of the month, leaving new, cleansed space for celebration. Celebration for all the shit that had been given to me. It was the SHIT that was going to create a SHIFT. My tears were replaced with smiles and gratitude for the Universe for its unending teachings and its wicked good sense of humor.

The truth is… in the midst of the storm, sometimes it is hard to see it and to believe it to be for good. To see the glitter in the struggle.

Even for me.

The thing is, the Universe is ALWAYS aligning in support of us, never running out of ways to wake us, shake us, shape us and direct us. But here’s the catch… we have to pay attention. We have to be open. We have to trust. To navigate out of the paralysis of victimhood, we need to get cozy with our inner creator and let her drive our car.

And here’s the other thing. There’s strength (and according to my dustpan message, sparkle) in the struggle. ALWAYS. In fact, the struggle is our greatest time to see who we truly are, what we truly value and how we truly show up in life. Through my April struggles I was reminded…

I’m a badass single mom.
I need help… and it’s not only OK to ask for help, it is what warriors do.
Family is first for me.
It’s ok to have things undone at the end of the day.
Advocating for what matters to me is the heart of who I am.
I have limits. When I don’t honor them, I get sick.
Trailblazers never look back.
There is great power in outsourcing what I can’t/don’t want to do.
People expecting me to always “be good” is just my illusion. People love me as I am.

As I laid my eyes to rest on that final day in April, I thought to myself, April showers, bring May flowers. And for the first time that month, I drifted off to sleep truly faithful, grateful and solid in myself and what’s to come.

Showered in love and strength… and ready to bloom~
Tristan

 

Alexandra Davis