Letting ourselves be loved on can be hard. It's the most simple, most natural, most pure exchange between two people but we easily become our own worst enemy and deflector of love. When someone offers to help and we say, "No".... When someone offers a compliment and we reply with a refusal (i.e. "This old thing?!").... we are putting up love armor. And this love armor interrupts the natural flow of love that the Universe wishes for us.
We have been conditioned to believe that receiving is associated with either weakness or arrogance but that couldn't be more wrong. The truth is, we are wired not only to love, but also to be loved. From day 1. Think about it... we come into this conscious world, receiving all day, everyday, without apology. As infants, we believed we were worthy of being given to... and us, just being us, was enough of a gift in return. Somewhere along our path, we have disconnected from this part... this part of ourselves who wholeheartedly believes she is deserving of love... and that she, as is, is gift enough in return.
So we either reject love, or we over-give in relationships, all in a futile attempt to avoid a feeling of unworthiness. This is why we can only truly receive when we are giving to ourselves. When we give to ourselves, we are healing unworthiness. We are communicating to ourselves at a very deep level, that we are deserving of being given to.
For me, this has been life work. I have bounced back and forth between the roles of wantless-needless and over-giver... and sometimes both at the same time... all in attempt to not chance the feeling of unworthiness or rejection (which fuels unworthiness). I have held onto toxic relationships and blocked healthy ones, all because I didn't believe I was worthy of receiving them, without having to be more, having to do more.
And then Sunday happened.
My girl gang gathered in sacred ceremony to celebrate my latest trip around the Sun. They didn't ask... they just told me where and when to show up. So I did. But truthfully, I felt a little anxious. On my drive there, I went to a place of lack... a place of questioning whether I deserved to be the centerpiece of love.
And at the red-light before entering the venue, I red-lighted that part of myself. That part of myself who felt guilty, who felt undeserving. And I green-lighted the louder, stronger, more self-loving part of me that has learned to wholeheartedly believe she is worthy... not because she gives so much, but because she just is. Just by being a living, breathing vessel of love.
Sunday was an extraordinary space of transformation for me. Sitting among the most beautiful tribe of women a girl could dream of, I shed that old part of me and all of her faulty, self-limiting narratives. I broke up with her once and for all. And I showed up. In all of my flower crowned goodness, I showed up. With open and welcoming arms and a heart available to receive. For the first time, possibly ever, I gave myself permission to be a container ready to be filled with love... without needing to puncture a hole in the bottom to assuage my worthiness.
But here's the thing... this moment, has been years in the making. Because we simply can only receive at the level we are giving to ourselves. So this moment was created... it was the result of a lot of soul work, a lot of leaning into myself to fill my own bucket every damn day. And in doing so, I can now allow others to fill it, without worry, judgment or questions. Worthiness is an Inside job. It's our responsibility to create a core within us so that we can receive from the outside and thus live in abundance which then, in turn allows us to give UNCONDITIONALLY.
So when you feel like it's hard to receive without refusal, apology or guilt... when you feel like you are creating a force field around you rejecting love and kindness as if it was a threat... let it be a gentle reminder that your self-love tank needs a little watering. Let it be a gentle reminder that there is an undeserving part of you that doesn't serve you, that is ready to be broken up with so that you can step into your true Goddess power... a holy place of receiving.
In conscious receiving~